I really wanted to tell him face-to-face yesterday, so he’ll know it’s sincere. I was so ready. Everything was just perfectly planned in my head. I even rehearsed what I was going to say a million times. But when the chance came, I couldn’t do it.God gave me an opportunity and I blew it.
We weren’t even supposed to see each other that day because of finals. But when I was waiting for my friend (Asian Bunny) to pick up her phone, I heard someone from behind me call my attention. I turned around to see who it was; no one was there. But when I faced the front, there he was, laughing at how foolish I looked. I didn’t even notice him pass by. But he was there.And we were alone. I thought, "Ah, this is my chance!" I was alone with him for a while. He was supposed to have left already but it was raining. And I guess he didn’t want to run in the rain to get to his car. So he helped me find my friend.
I kept trying to make myself bring up the topic. But my mouth did not work with my brain and diverted my confession to some random trivial issue. At one point, I thought I could finally do it. I said his name, paused, took a deep breath…..but instead of saying I like you, I said, "You suck." And I kept saying it over and over again. And over and over again, he responded with a smile and said, "I know."
That kept on going until it was time for him to leave. We just helped someone carry her two heavy band instruments to the locker room. Then, I asked him if he was leaving already. He said he had to. (Oh, and we found Asian Bunny already by this time.) So I thanked him for staying with me and we said our goodbyes. While he was walking away, all my head was saying was, "Do it. Just do it." So I called his name out loud, wanting to finally say those three words. He turned around, waiting for me to say something. But all that came out was, "Byeeeeee!"I couldn’t do it.
Afternoon. I thought, since I couldn’t do it personally, I should just call him. So I did. But he didn’t pick up. What a sad day. -.-
And then last night, he texted me. Asking if I called. I said, "I wanted to tell you something." He asked what it was. But even through text, I kept diverting the topic. I couldn’t bring it up. So I didn’t text him for a while. Instead, I prayed and talked to God. Then, I felt so calm and confident. I started typing this long message of confession, and without hesitation, I sent it. I looked at the time it sent. It was 11:11.
11 minutes later..he answered my confession. It was what I expected.I was prepared..but still, it hurts.
He was so nice about it. He didn’t act like a jerk at all. He responded so gently so that I wouldn’t get hurt. But I still I cried it all out that night. Even while we were still texting.
And now, I feel okay.I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. Now, I feel like I can let go. And I know, this summer, I’ll be able to move on.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”—2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)